Can he survive?
I have been alone since Wednesday morning with nobody but 2 cats and a gang of whistling builders to keep me company.
This experience of solitude has enabled me to ask the question:
How does a Married Dad with Kids (A Madwik) survive without company?
These are the 4 issues you must consider next time you leave your Madwik on his own.
1. The Madwik needs a listEvery time my lovely wife leaves me on my own for more than a few hours I am given a list. As she is away for 4 nights this time I now have a very long list.
Lists are essential for the Madwik because without them we are left to our own devices - and that is a VERY BAD THING!
2. The Madwik has poor time management skillsA Madwik left on his own is very poor at managing his own time - particularly when night falls and the good telly starts. Madwiks can often be seen at way past midnight rubbing the sleep from their eyes as they desparately try to find Dave so that they can chuckle their way through another re-run of Mock The Week.
3. The Madwiks thrive on adrenalineAn impressive by product of the Madwik's cavalier attitude to time management is a phenomenon known as the "Quick hoover and tidy." This phenomenon, which has never been witnessed by any woman ever, is the Madwik at his best. Those of us lucky enough to possess this skill will effortlessly tidy and hoover the house whilst fabricating perfect excuses for not completing the trickier items on the list, before our significant other ends our solitude.
4. Madwiks have little grasp of the rudimentaries of a balanced dietWhen a Madwik is left alone they do not eat anything green. They use their new found freedom to eschew the virtues of five a day in favour of foods that come wrapped in cellophane with slogans encouraging the user to enjoy in moderation.
This basic weakness of the Madwik is often spotted by generous females who will offer meals and food parcels in an effort to save the Madwik from themselves.
Speak soon (if I survive!)
PS If you enjoyed this post you might want to read about Why Mums Know Best as well.