Last Minute Gifts For Fathers Day #2

Say It With Words

This is the kind of craft-y idea that your Dad will love. The Dubmeister and My Lovely Wife made me one for my birthday. It was the highlight of my day

To make a Word Portait you will need:

• 1 computer
• 1 sheet of printer paper
• A colour printer
• A picture frame

Shut your Dad out of the room and brainstorm everything that makes him the Dad he is.

You might want to think about his likes and dislikes, his hobbies, favourite foods, bands or places. The list is endless - it is entirely up to you.

Type the list up in an artistic manner, pop it in the frame and Bob's your uncle - one very happy Dad.

Speak soon
JH

Coming tomorrow - Say it with a donation

Last Minute Gifts For Fathers Day #1

Say it with Sauce

Still stuck for that perfect gift for the Fathers in your life? Still struggling for inspiration for that special man's special day? Just remembered that it's Fathers Day this Sunday and you haven't got a clue what to get Dad? Well look no further - this is the Dad Etc three part guide to the perfect last minute gift for Daddy's Day.

Everybody knows that Dads love bacon sandwiches. And everybody knows that bacon sandwiches are distinctly boring without a splash of Houses of Parliament sauce (HP Sauce to you and I). The clever people at Heinz have realised that there is a glaring gap in the market - the personalised HP bottle gap.

If you want to get your hands on one of these collector items you need to go quickly. Visit HP's Facebook page by clicking here and enter to win a bottle of the brown stuff emblazoned with their name and a special message.

It's completely free and it will make his day.

So go on spoil your Dad - get him one!

Good luck!

Speak soon
JH 


Tomorrow - Say it with words - The DIY Word Portrait

My Kids Have Turned Me Into A Criminal

The (Bank Holiday) Weekend Picture No. 48

The Crime Scene

It all started back on 31st March. Since then my criminal activity has threatened to take over my life. It has led to me lying, covering my tracks and jumping at the sound of approaching footsteps.

I am not proud of myself.

But, equally, I do not feel that I am totally to blame for this life of crime into which I have found myself thrust. Like so many who have gone before me I feel that the root cause of my criminal behaviour is not found within my nature but within the nurture that my family have provided.

In this case I blame my kids.

In March my 3 growing children were given a mountain of chocolate to celebrate Jesus's resurrection. I even wrote a post about the quantity of sweet stuffs with which they had been blessed.

Now, when I was a growing kid a ton of chocolate would have been an excuse for me to gorge myself until I was hyperactive and then sick on Mum's favourite rug. I was a normal child with a consideration for others.

My children are not like that.

The picture above is the chocolate that remains in our house TODAY - 8 weeks later!!

They still have chocolate - 8 weeks on. How does that happen?

So, for the past 8 weeks I have been bothered by the gnawing hunger that comes when you are within feet of unclaimed chocolate which my children have (no doubt) deliberately left within reach of their weak willed father.

And, for the past 8 weeks I have been nibbling at the edges of their eggs, their bunnies and their assorted Easter orientated treats and, like the hardened criminal I am, covering my tracks (or tooth marks).

And yet, still we have chocolate left in the house.

Do these kids have no consideration? Do they not realise what they are doing to their own father?

Speak soon (unless they catch me first)
JH

PS You may have noticed that I have a new badge on my blog this week. I am in the final of the BiBs Family Blogger of the Year Award - Wahoo!! Thankyou so much to everybody who voted for me. The decision will be made on the 21st June - so watch this space, cross your fingers and send large wads of cash to the judges (the last comment was clearly a joke) You can find out more about the award and the quality competition I am up against by clicking here.

When You're There, Be There

The Weekend Picture No. 47

From www.blog.laptopmag.com

I love my iphone and I love my kids.

 

I love spending time with my kids and I am rarely, if ever parted from my iphone.

 

In fact, if I am parted from my iphone then I tend to come out all in a fluster.

 

I am often, on the other hand, parted from my kids. And I am rarely to be found all of a fluster when I am parted from them.

 

As a result, I was challenged this morning by the minister at my church when he relayed some advice he had been given this week.

 

"When you are with your kids, are you really with them? Or is your attention distracted by the device in your pocket/ on your coffee table."

 

That challenged me because I often find myself distracted by emails pinging in, breaking news stories on my Sky News App or by tweets and other equally vital missives from the outside world that have found me because my iphone has made me permanently available. Or rather, because I have allowed my iphone to make me permanently available.

 

So, I have made a pledge. When I am with my kids and my lovely wife my iphone will have to play second fiddle. It may find itself being shut in a drawer or even being switched off.

 

When I am with them - I will really be with them.

 

The outside world can wait.

 

Speak soon

JH

Is The Glory Worth The Pain?

Dreaming of Olympic Glory (c) BBC

I put M through torture this week.

I blame the Olympics!

One of the aims of London 2012 was to Inspire a Generation. The vision of Lycra clad superhumans winning gold for Team GB was meant to inspire the slovenly youth of the United Kingdom to get off their settees and try something new instead.

Well it certainly had that effect in our house. Particularly with the sporty spice of the family - 10 year old M.

Since the Olympic flame was extinguished she has joined a cycling club (Laura Trott), thrown herself into Netball, thrashed us all in innumerable running races and expressed a desire to join the school's Hockey club.

It is all fantastically inspiring.

But, Hockey is a game that features sticks and balls.

And sticks and balls do not get along with pearly white, perfectly formed teeth.

So, the responsible parent gets themself online or down to the local sports shop to purchase a piece of brightly coloured rubber called a gum shield.

Said parent then carefully reads the instructions before fitting said shield without a hitch, a tear or a moan.

And said sporty daughter is then ready to plough her sporting furrow to Olympic Gold.

Hah!

Well that's what it says on the box.

That's not what happens in the Dad Etc household when Dad is in charge.

This is what happens when Dad is in charge:

Dad reads the instructions carefully and heats the orange and blue plastic in boiling water until it reaches melting point at which point he rams it into his 10 year old daughter's mouth causing her to writhe and scream.

He then tells her not to worry because "this is what is supposed to happen" and squeezes her cheeks against the molten plastic with one hand whilst forcibly closing her mouth with the other and counting to 20 elephants as she squirms in agony.

Finally, she swills cold water around her mouth and tests the gum shield for fit.

Unfortunately said shield did not stay in place so Dad had to read the instructions again, dump the shield in freshly boiling water and do it all over again.

Sadly, as proved in my post, Why Mum Knows Best, Dads sometimes just get it plain wrong.

I tried twice more with this miracle of modern engineering, each time failing to make the shield stay in place, each time chastising my daughter for not biting hard enough or squirming too much.

Finally, unable to bear it any more, my wife rode in to save the day. She immediately spotted that our little M had a new tooth coming through (how did she know that?) - so was unable to close her mouth properly, scooped her onto her knee and made everything all better.

Dad meanwhile cursed his lack of feminine intuition and retreated to the shed to try to fix something inanimate.

Speak soon
JH

PS I am very delighted to announce that Dad Etc has been shortlisted for the Brilliance in Blogging Family Blogger Award run by Britmums - hence the rather flashy looking button at the top of the Blog. I am up against some very tough competition (15 mummy bloggers and me - it takes a brave man!) so would be eternally in your debt if you felt that this blog was worth a vote. You can vote by clicking on the button above or by clicking here. Thank you so much - and fingers crossed.

Being a Dad Has It's Perks

Party Ring Anyone?

Like many prestigious roles in life the role of Dad is not without it's perks. Here are my 5 mostly shallow perks of fatherhood.

Tastier than Keira?

1. Dads get to go to kids' films

Fed up with movies with plots out of a Dostoevsky novel. Squeamish about blood and gore? Rather laugh at a cute monster than lust over Keira Knightley? Get to be a Dad - because Dads get to watch kids movies and kids movies are clinically proven to be better than films with subtitles and/or a dark subplot.

2. Dads get to eat party food

There is no greater taste on earth than the flavours created by factory boffins to adorn kids party food. The brightly coloured delights that are Party Ring biscuits, Iced Gems and fruit jelly just beg to be eaten by the discerning gourmet and as a Dad at a birthday party you get to choose your own treats and eat as much as you want.
Just offer to clear up after the party guests have gone and hoover the sweet treats before anybody else gets their hands on them.

3. Dads get to watch their kids perform

Dads are men of rock. Their bottom lips are rare to wobble and their tear ducts are criminally underused. However, put a Dad on a touchline or in the audience when their kids are the stars and you see a different beast altogether.
Watch them swell with pride and choke back emotion as their progeny relives the dreams of their dim and distant past.

4. Dads get to read bedtime stories

If I ever get invited onto Desert Island Discs and am asked what luxury I would take to my desert island I know exactly what I would ask for:

• A small child (preferably one of my own)
• A book - one of the Bartholomew Bear stories, Dr Seuss or our current favourite - Pippi Longstocking.
• For the time to be fixed permanently at 7.30pm

There are few things as bonding as reading to your child just before bedtime. We started when the Dubmeister was 2 weeks old and we haven't looked back. I am lucky enough to be home before my kids go to bed most nights - and the nights when I don't get to read to at least one of them feel much emptier than those when I do.

5. Dads get to be heroes

Every man needs to be a hero and as a Dad you get to live the dream. The dads of pre-schoolers bask in the glow of toddler adulation as they wield a hammer with expertise and panache (in their children's eyes). For a precious period everything we do is wonderful. Every muscle we own is taut and every car we drive is faster than Lewis Hamilton's.
Man was made to bask in a dose of glory and the Dads of the very small get soaked in it.

from www.alotedbabe.blogspot.com

Speak soon
JH

PS More musings on being a Dad Alone here, on the changing relationship with our children here and a list of reasons why Dad Knows Best here.

Why Dad Knows Best

Dad Knows Best ... Naturally!

Mums are great - as I hope I proved in my 2nd most popular post ever - but nothing can beat a good Dad. We have all (hopefully) known one and we would all (hopefully again) like to be one. So with that in kind these are my 5 reasons why Dads know best. As ever, this list is based on genuine non-research.

From www.dezeen.com

1. Dads Can Dance

There is not a dad on this earth that can't dance. Dads even have their own dance - called imaginatively "The Dad Dance" - not everybody can do it and it takes years of effort to master - but it is guaranteed to stop a dance floor.

2. Dads Fix Stuff

Favourite toy broken?
Remote control lost it's battery?

Bring it to dad. He'll know what to do. Still not working? Well that's because it's just not meant to anymore honey.

3. Dads Don't Need Instruction Manuals

Got a new piece of flatpack furniture with one of those thick manuals in Gujarati, Flemish and Swahili?
Bring it to dad. He won't even look at the manual because he knows best. Who needs an instruction manual when you have hands like those.

4. Dads Are Funny And They Know It

There is no doubt about it - dads can tell a joke and they would love you to hear it. A dad is so skilled in this area that he can tell a joke over and over again and find it just as funny the 1000th time as he did the 1st time he shared it.

5. Dads Come Cheap
If the average Dad had his way he would wear the same clothes combo day in and day out. He eschews the frivolity of fashion in favour of wallet watching and a sensible pair of slacks which were built to last.
Need a haircut? Go for the Dad cut - scientifically proven to save you 75% of the Mum snip.

Dads, do you agree or have I missed something vital? Mums, am I being fair?

Speak soon
JH

PS If you enjoyed reading this post and you have a few moments to spare I would be hugely grateful if you could take some time to nominate me for the "Best in Blogging Awards 2013" I have put myself up for 2 awards which you can access via the link in the right hand column of this blog or by clicking here. Nominations close on the 12th April. Thank you!

PPS For more reasons to celebrate everything "Dad" visit my favourite blog ever - Dads are the Original Hipsters and enjoy everything that made our Dads the cool icons they really are.

Making the Most of Parent Teacher Consultation Evenings

As the days grow longer and the term draws to a close the thoughts of teachers, parents and pupils turn to Parents Evenings.

Are there any 2 words that can strike such fear and trepidation into the hearts of parents than "Parents Evening" (or Academic Review Days if you selected a whizzy school for your offspring.)

And yet Parents Evenings need not be such a frightening reminder of the inadequacy of our own school days - rather they should be taken as an opportunity to build a working relationship with the adult(s) we entrust with the education of our pride and joys.

As a parent and teacher with over 1,000 parental consultations under my belt, here are my 5 top tips for making the most of Parent Teacher Consultation Meetings.

1. Go

There are not many opportunities in the school year to meet with your child's teacher to discuss their education. Most senior schools give you one opportunity per year, junior schools and the more forward thinking secondaries might give you 2 or even 3. So when the opportunity comes, grab it! What does it say to your child about the value you place on his/her education if you cannot be bothered to find out how they are getting on at school? It was no accident that the school I taught at with the worst record for behaviour and academic performance was also the school with the lowest turn out at Parents Evenings (30% at one Year 8 evening). This is a particularly important role for Dads to play. We are so often absent when it comes to our kids school lives so lets take these opportunities when they present themselves.

2. Do your research

The best consultations I hold are with parents who have done their research. Sit down with your child before the evening and find out about what they have been doing in class. What do they enjoy? What do they find difficult? Have a look on the school website and get the gist of the syllabus on offer. A teacher is much more likely to step away from the safety of bland pronouncements about how well your child is doing if you can ask them questions about specific aspects of the work they have been doing this term

3. Ask what you can do to help

I love it when parents ask me this question. It shows that you care and that you see yourself as playing an important role in the education of your child. Very few parents ask, however - so next time you are at a parents evening make a teachers day and ask them the question!

4. Don't go over your time slot

Parents Evenings are one of my favourite activities of the academic year. It is great to discuss a pupil's progress with the people who care the most. However, they are exhausting. So, please remember that you are not the only parent the teacher will be seeing that evening. You could be one of 30 - so if you have a 5 minute slot, aim at 4 minutes and give the teacher 60 seconds to drink his tea and find his bearings before he meets with his 7.25.

5. Remember it is YOUR child you are discussing NOT YOU!

It is easy to take teachers' comments about your child personally. It is easy to feel that a constructive criticism of your little one is actually a personal criticism of you. It is also easy to assume that just because you enjoyed History, or hated Geography, your child will do the same. Try to put your child first and place them at the centre of the discussion.

Speak soon

JH

PS If you have a Year 6 pupil who is about to start secondary school you might like reading this post on how to prepare your Year 7 for big school.

Why Mum Knows Best

From www.foodandculture.wikispaces.com

In a break with tradition this daddy blogger has been carrying out genuine non-scientific research to prove that despite my protestations to the contrary - mum really does know best!

1. Mums never forget

Mums are born with a brain enhancement called the "store-all" by scientists. This gives them the ability to remember eveything they have ever been told.

• Want to know when Sabrina's birthday is? Ask mum.
• Want to know what grade W got for History 2 years ago last November?  Ask mum.
• Want to know when M's follow-up appointment with the orthodontist is?  Ask mum.

Dads try very hard to develop the store-all - but it just ain't happening.

2. Mums are better at wrapping up

• Want to give a present that looks good before it is opened?
• Want to give a present that doesn't look like a monkey has been playing football with it?

Ask mum.

It is a scientific fact that dads can't wrap up - we just can't. Our presents always end up scrunched up rather than wrapped up. Whereas mums know what to do with ribbon and never lose the end of a roll of Sellotape. 

3. Mums have the better fashion sense

Not sure which colours go together?

Worried about making a fashion faux pas?

Ask mum.

Never ever ask dad or you'll end up with your tights outside your pants and/or a blue/brown clothes combination.

They say that outside appearances don't matter but when you have been dressed by dad, believe me they do!

By Liz Clayton. From www.falmouth.ac.uk

4. Mums know that carrots are better for you than chocolate

Looking to fulfill your 5 a day? Want to see in the dark rather than glow in the dark?

Ask mum.

Mums were born knowing that 1 leaf of iceberg lettuce and a glass of Cherry Cola do not constitute 2 of the essential 5.

They know about minerals, fibre and vitamins and do not fear them!

5. Mums smell nicer

This again is a scientific fact. Mums just smell nice.

Ask yourself this question: Who would you prefer to sit next to on a six hour coach journey?

If you possess a sense of smell then you know the answer as the lack of a "stinking after a curry" washed down with a pint of Old Thumper 3 days ago faultline within their genetic mixtape counts very much in a mum's favour.

Ladies, have I missed anything out? Chaps, is this fair?

Speak Soon

JH

I haven't got the time!

No time to cut the grass

Long time no blog!

I spent most of April (when I was on holiday not coincidentally) in a flurry of early blogging enthusiasm. Blogging briefly became my life as I committed time and great effort to the flickering word.

"This blogging lark is easy" I said to myself.

Then I went back to work and came under assault from the daddy blogger's greatest enemy - TIME - or the lack thereof. Suddenly the blog, along with the rest of the bits of my life which didn't begin with a "w" and end with a "k", slipped down to the bottom of the priority list (just like Wolverhampton Wanderers).

What's in a nickname?

One of my duties as a father is creator of nicknames.

I have always enjoyed making names up for my kids. Not for me the boring christian name which my wife and I agonised over all through that long long nine months. No, much more fun to make up a random moniker for your patient progeny.

The Heroism of Fathers on the Titanic 2

The sinking of the RMS Titanic is an event that still touches us all.

There can't be many of us who have not asked themselves what they would have done had they been on board on the 14th-15th April 1912.

It is an event that I have found particularly poignant since I became a father. Would I have been able to let women and children go first. Could I have stood on the deck and watched my wife and family being led away from me to safety, knowing that I would never see them again? Could I have been a hero?

Hopefully that is not a question that I will ever have to answer - but it is one that the Reverend John Harper was faced with.