Is The Glory Worth The Pain?

Dreaming of Olympic Glory (c) BBC

I put M through torture this week.

I blame the Olympics!

One of the aims of London 2012 was to Inspire a Generation. The vision of Lycra clad superhumans winning gold for Team GB was meant to inspire the slovenly youth of the United Kingdom to get off their settees and try something new instead.

Well it certainly had that effect in our house. Particularly with the sporty spice of the family - 10 year old M.

Since the Olympic flame was extinguished she has joined a cycling club (Laura Trott), thrown herself into Netball, thrashed us all in innumerable running races and expressed a desire to join the school's Hockey club.

It is all fantastically inspiring.

But, Hockey is a game that features sticks and balls.

And sticks and balls do not get along with pearly white, perfectly formed teeth.

So, the responsible parent gets themself online or down to the local sports shop to purchase a piece of brightly coloured rubber called a gum shield.

Said parent then carefully reads the instructions before fitting said shield without a hitch, a tear or a moan.

And said sporty daughter is then ready to plough her sporting furrow to Olympic Gold.

Hah!

Well that's what it says on the box.

That's not what happens in the Dad Etc household when Dad is in charge.

This is what happens when Dad is in charge:

Dad reads the instructions carefully and heats the orange and blue plastic in boiling water until it reaches melting point at which point he rams it into his 10 year old daughter's mouth causing her to writhe and scream.

He then tells her not to worry because "this is what is supposed to happen" and squeezes her cheeks against the molten plastic with one hand whilst forcibly closing her mouth with the other and counting to 20 elephants as she squirms in agony.

Finally, she swills cold water around her mouth and tests the gum shield for fit.

Unfortunately said shield did not stay in place so Dad had to read the instructions again, dump the shield in freshly boiling water and do it all over again.

Sadly, as proved in my post, Why Mum Knows Best, Dads sometimes just get it plain wrong.

I tried twice more with this miracle of modern engineering, each time failing to make the shield stay in place, each time chastising my daughter for not biting hard enough or squirming too much.

Finally, unable to bear it any more, my wife rode in to save the day. She immediately spotted that our little M had a new tooth coming through (how did she know that?) - so was unable to close her mouth properly, scooped her onto her knee and made everything all better.

Dad meanwhile cursed his lack of feminine intuition and retreated to the shed to try to fix something inanimate.

Speak soon
JH

PS I am very delighted to announce that Dad Etc has been shortlisted for the Brilliance in Blogging Family Blogger Award run by Britmums - hence the rather flashy looking button at the top of the Blog. I am up against some very tough competition (15 mummy bloggers and me - it takes a brave man!) so would be eternally in your debt if you felt that this blog was worth a vote. You can vote by clicking on the button above or by clicking here. Thank you so much - and fingers crossed.

Dad Alone!

Can he survive?

I have been alone since Wednesday morning with nobody but 2 cats and a gang of whistling builders to keep me company.

This experience of solitude has enabled me to ask the question:

How does a Married Dad with Kids (A Madwik) survive without company?

These are the 4 issues you must consider next time you leave your Madwik on his own.

1. The Madwik needs a list

Every time my lovely wife leaves me on my own for more than a few hours I am given a list. As she is away for 4 nights this time I now have a very long list.
Lists are essential for the Madwik because without them we are left to our own devices - and that is a VERY BAD THING!

2. The Madwik has poor time management skills

A Madwik left on his own is very poor at managing his own time - particularly when night falls and the good telly starts. Madwiks can often be seen at way past midnight rubbing the sleep from their eyes as they desparately try to find Dave so that they can chuckle their way through another re-run of Mock The Week.

3. The Madwiks thrive on adrenaline

An impressive by product of the Madwik's cavalier attitude to time management is a phenomenon known as the "Quick hoover and tidy." This phenomenon, which has never been witnessed by any woman ever, is the Madwik at his best. Those of us lucky enough to possess this skill will effortlessly tidy and hoover the house whilst fabricating perfect excuses for not completing the trickier items on the list, before our significant other ends our solitude.

4. Madwiks have little grasp of the rudimentaries of a balanced diet

When a Madwik is left alone they do not eat anything green. They use their new found freedom to eschew the virtues of five a day in favour of foods that come wrapped in cellophane with slogans encouraging the user to enjoy in moderation.

This basic weakness of the Madwik is often spotted by generous females who will offer meals and food parcels in an effort to save the Madwik from themselves.

Speak soon (if I survive!)
JH

PS If you enjoyed this post you might want to read about Why Mums Know Best as well.

Who's Your Secret Angel?

My lovely wife is a lady of many talents.

She is particularly talented at initiating new traditions. She started one such tradition last Christmas which we have decided to resurrect this year - The Secret Angel.

We run it like the draw for the third round of the FA Cup. We find a hat - this year it was one of M's bobble hats. We write our names on tiny slips of paper and then fold them up before placing them in the woolly receptacle.

We then take it in turns to solemnly draw a scrap of paper from the hat. The person we draw is the person for whom we are to be the Secret Angel in the days that remain of Advent. Our task is to run errands for that person in secret.

The big reveal is on Christmas morning.

Last year I got lucky. E drew my name from the hat. E was six last year and liked to express her love by leaving little notes for me like the one to the left. She cunningly disguised who she was by never signing her name. I loved finding her notes on my pillow, in my sock drawer and even in my briefcase and have kept a store of them in my bedroom.

I was the Dubmeister's secret angel. I was less successful than E - attempting to make his day by placing a chocolate bar in his blazer pocket only for him to wander around for a week without thinking to put his hand into his pocket. The chocolate bar melted.

So, the tension is mounting. Who is my Secret Angel? For whom will I be running secretive errands for this week?

Find out  more soon!

Speak soon

JH

Why Mum Knows Best

From www.foodandculture.wikispaces.com

In a break with tradition this daddy blogger has been carrying out genuine non-scientific research to prove that despite my protestations to the contrary - mum really does know best!

1. Mums never forget

Mums are born with a brain enhancement called the "store-all" by scientists. This gives them the ability to remember eveything they have ever been told.

• Want to know when Sabrina's birthday is? Ask mum.
• Want to know what grade W got for History 2 years ago last November?  Ask mum.
• Want to know when M's follow-up appointment with the orthodontist is?  Ask mum.

Dads try very hard to develop the store-all - but it just ain't happening.

2. Mums are better at wrapping up

• Want to give a present that looks good before it is opened?
• Want to give a present that doesn't look like a monkey has been playing football with it?

Ask mum.

It is a scientific fact that dads can't wrap up - we just can't. Our presents always end up scrunched up rather than wrapped up. Whereas mums know what to do with ribbon and never lose the end of a roll of Sellotape. 

3. Mums have the better fashion sense

Not sure which colours go together?

Worried about making a fashion faux pas?

Ask mum.

Never ever ask dad or you'll end up with your tights outside your pants and/or a blue/brown clothes combination.

They say that outside appearances don't matter but when you have been dressed by dad, believe me they do!

By Liz Clayton. From www.falmouth.ac.uk

4. Mums know that carrots are better for you than chocolate

Looking to fulfill your 5 a day? Want to see in the dark rather than glow in the dark?

Ask mum.

Mums were born knowing that 1 leaf of iceberg lettuce and a glass of Cherry Cola do not constitute 2 of the essential 5.

They know about minerals, fibre and vitamins and do not fear them!

5. Mums smell nicer

This again is a scientific fact. Mums just smell nice.

Ask yourself this question: Who would you prefer to sit next to on a six hour coach journey?

If you possess a sense of smell then you know the answer as the lack of a "stinking after a curry" washed down with a pint of Old Thumper 3 days ago faultline within their genetic mixtape counts very much in a mum's favour.

Ladies, have I missed anything out? Chaps, is this fair?

Speak Soon

JH